In this Moment, May 12 - The Greatest Shul on Earth; Scenes from a Marriage I and II

In This Moment Scenes from a Marriage I Who needs Ingmar Bergman when our seventh grade classes have been celebrating Jewish marriage for a decade and a half! Year after year, classes have worked tirelessly to prepare their mock wedding ceremonies as part of the grade's innovative Jewish lifecycle curriculum, which was first developed in 2008 by educational director Eran Vaisben, along with Mara Hammerman. This year's class celebrated its mock wedding last Sunday. We did the class bris during the winter, the World Wide Wrap (the B'nai Mitzvah unit) a couple of weeks ago, and for their final lifecycle unit, on death, they will be visiting the cemetery next week. Despite all the challenges of this hybrid year, we got through the entire lifecycle. Birth, B'nai Mitzvah and death are all important, but the wedding always brings out their best! You can see below the lovely ketuba and huppah that the students prepared for last week's ceremony. Each year, the class discusses the wedding customs in great detail and decides how to stamp their own mark on the proceedings. In a nod to to our commitment to egalitarianism, this year's students decided to have the bride and groom each break their own glass, simultaneously. To celebrate the 15 years of seventh grade marriages, and the kids, parents and educators, and the teacher who led all of them, I've put together an album of assorted photos from 7th grade weddings, which you can access by clicking here. Below are some pics from last week. If you want to take a trip down memory lane, here's our collection of current and past 7th grade lifecycle albums. Somehow 2009-2010 has gotten lost in the shuffle - if you have any photos from that year, please send them my way. 2021-2022 7th Grade Lifecycle Album 2020-2021 7th Grade Lifecycle Album 2018-2019 7th Grade Lifecycle Album 2019-2020 7th Grade Lifecycle Album 2016-2017 7th Grade Lifecycle Album 2015-2016 7th Grade Lifecycle Album 2014-2015 7th Grade Lifecycle Album 2013-2014 7th Grade Wedding Album 2012-2013 7th Grade Wedding Album 2011-2012 7th Grade Wedding Album 2010-2011 7th Grade Wedding Album 2008-2009 7th Grade Wedding Album 2007-2008 7th Grade Wedding Album Someone asked me recently if any of the couples from prior years' class weddings have ever gotten married in real life. As the great 20th century theologian Franz Rosenzweig replied when asked about whether he puts on tefillin every day: "Not yet." But as for the future, who knows? Screen grab from last week's Sisterhood Shabbat. Yashar Koach on a fantastic service! Shabbat Shalom Just so no one can accuse our services as being run like a circus, we have installed our own Big Top. Now we can truly be the "Greatest Shul on Earth." A floor has been put down, wi-fi access strengthened, sound systems prepared - and plans are for the TBE Ohel to be fully operational within a couple of weeks. In Hebrew, "Ohel" means tent, and a whole lot more. Joel Hoffman, in his Jerusalem Post language column, writes: [W]hen Israelis greet one another on the streets of Jerusalem or Tel Aviv, it is not shalom or a longer variation of it, but rather the colloquial "ahalan" that is most often heard. Ahalan, borrowed directly from Arabic, comes from ahal, one of many words for "family." (The cognate Hebrew word, ohel, means "tent," that is a place where a family lived.) What better greeting could be offered to a weary desert traveler than to be welcomed into the protective shade of a tent or the warm company of family. Indeed, Abraham is known for his generosity in welcoming strangers into his family tent. And though tents are now rare in Israel, the cordial greeting pays homage to a form of ancient hospitality. Some speakers add wasahlan, "and to the plain," perhaps contrasting with, say, rocky mountains, and therefore alluding to a place of comfort. A loose translation of the pair might be, "make yourself at home" and "make yourself comfortable. Klein writes that ohel is "usually connected with but probably not related to Arabic 'ahl (= relatives, kin, kinsfolk, adherents, inhabitants, people)." So a tent is all about hospitality, comfort, family and warmth (and I suspect it will be pretty warm in ours at times), all qualities that we seek to bring into everything we do, particularly services. I'm especially excited that we will be able to have a number of our hybrid Shabbat services there during the coming months, so that we can gather with the safety that outdoor ventilation brings. We'll continue to use other venues for services as well, including the sanctuary, and when the weather is nice, our cozy outdoor spot on the other side of the sanctuary windows. The goal is always to pray with feeling - Kavvanah - which literally means intent. So we'll pray in-tent (and sometimes out-of-tent) with intent. But with the breeze of outdoor ventilation, our intentional, in-tent praying does not need to be so intense, so filled with anxiety as so many indoor gatherings are now, with Covid rates moving upward again. The family and friends of Alan Kalter, as well as others who participated in the paddle raise, helped to make this possible, and in doing so, will keep us safer and possibly save lives. But whether or not lives are ultimately saved, doing all we can for safety's sake affirms the Jewish value of protecting those whom we love. In the topsy turvy world we live in, we can now find some comfort under the Big Top. (See: COVID risks higher from small indoor events than large outdoor ones. See also Covid FAQs, updated for recent trends.) Scenes from a Marriage II Intermarriage and Conservative Judaism Veteran journalist Debra Nussbaum Cohen wrote a lengthy update in the Forward this week on how Conservative leaders are dealing with the tricky topic of intermarriage, in light of the movement's longstanding ban on rabbis' officiation. A number of rabbis are quoted in the piece, spanning a wide variety of viewpoints. The matter has been long since resolved in both Reform and Orthodoxy; but one of the great assets of Conservative Judaism is its desire to forge consensus through dialectic. There is always tension between tradition and change, and that tension is what fuels the movement's creative energy. Can the center hold? And more to the point, should it, at least on this issue? Holding the line against performing intermarriages has been a contributing factor in the shrinking of the movement. Is a leaner - and some might say meaner - Conservative Judaism a good thing? Nussbaum Cohen writes: Rabbis on either side of the debate say its outcome will be consequential for the Conservative movement, which represents about 20% of American Jews, and is shrinking. Those who want to lift the ban say it alienates Jews who want to intermarry, pushing them to other movements where rabbis are free to officiate at these weddings — or away from Judaism altogether. Others maintain that lifting the prohibition would signal that Jews are free to bend Judaism to fit personal preferences, and result in a weakened commitment to Jewish life. And what meaningful distinction between Reform and Conservative Judaism will remain, others ask, if Conservative rabbis do not draw the line at interfaith marriage? “The number of rabbis grappling with it is growing,” said Keren McGinity, who was hired by the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism, the congregational arm of the movement, to serve as its part-time interfaith specialist in 2020. This year, her position was made full time. The article shows that there has been considerable movement toward leniency over the past several years and that the time has come for a more intense conversation, which could lead to more dramatic change. The 2020 Pew Research Center’s survey of the American Jewish community found that 61 percent of Jews married since 2010 wed non-Jews. We can't just dismiss out of hand nearly two thirds of the Jewish population - and a much higher percentage of the non-Orthodox population. Our congregation continues to refine our vision, defining who we are and where we stand on the denominational spectrum. At TBE, we've always been on the more inclusive side of Conservative Judaism, and in recent years we have gone out of our way to welcome dual faith households, in ritual and worship and in our bylaws. We offer free membership for a year to all newlyweds, including those where one spouse is not Jewish. We offer special blessings for dual-faith couples here at the temple and worked closely with groups like 18 Doors, which provides guidance to couples and families. For a wedding a few weeks ago, I wrote a congratulatory message that was read to the couple under the huppah. How could I not? I've known the bride since she was a child. In fact, the couple even used my father's portable huppah, which I've discussed in this context before. A few days later, I worked with another TBE-related interfaith couple about to be married, to develop their ceremony. It was a wonderful - and hopefully helpful - conversation. Still, I've also had to deliver heartbreaking news to couples who have asked for my direct participation in their ceremony, and I've not been able to cross that line - a line that would likely result in my expulsion from the Rabbinical Assembly. I'm not prepared to leave the Movement. In the end, for the most part, those who grew up here know that they will never be rejected by their home congregation and rabbi, even if I can't perform the wedding. Most understand that 20 minutes under a huppah cannot outweigh decades of unconditional love and support both before and after the wedding day. The USCJ has had its own issues over the years, and TBE's departure from it years ago was justifiable. We've done just fine carving out our own identity - our niche in the local and national Jewish spectrum - with our unique approach to prayer and focus on cutting-edge traditional music. But it always helps to have a national movement to fall back on. And through my association with the Rabbinical Assembly, we have that. I'm not willing to let that go. There are lots of wonderful things about Conservative Judaism, though I'm not crazy about the name and it can be a little wishy washy at times (OK, all the time). But it challenges us to be the adults in the room, to be thinking beings who take Judaism seriously and are willing to grapple with tough questions. We take tradition seriously; it anchors us, immersing us in authenticity, linking us to ancient stories and ethics - to Israel and to our eternal Hebrew language. There are so many ways that Conservative Judaism is the right choice for today, embracing change and justice, while keeping Torah as our GPS - I'm not willing to give that up. Nor am I willing to be the reason TBE gives it up. With a nod to Women's League and Federation of Men's Clubs, it is really through its rabbi and cantor that TBE is bound to the Conservative Movement. Read this backgrounder on the American Jewish denominations And this on Conservative Judaism: "How the Middle Became a Movement" And my take from 2008: "The Muddle in the Middle" TBE is embarking on an important process of strategic planning. We need to. Our "2020 Plan," devised in 2012, expired two and a half years ago. The world has changed quite a bit even since 2020, all the more since 2012. But one thing that will certainly stay at the core of any updated plan that emerges, is the way we welcome the "stranger" into our tent. Now we even have the tent to prove it. How that spirit of inclusiveness aligns with our need to be part of something bigger than ourselves - a movement - has yet to be determined. Recommended Reading The ADL’s Crazily Irresponsible Crusade Against anti-Zionism - Is the ADL bending over backwards too far in its recent equating of anti-Zionism on the left with white supremacist antisemitism on the right? The arguments below have validity, but during a week after the Harvard Crimson endorsed BDS it is easy to understand why the ADL felt the need to make an adjustment to refocus on the dangers coming from the left. The authors write: By erroneously equating left-wing human rights activism to the powerful and fast-mounting threat of anti-democratic authoritarianism on the Right, Greenblatt and the ADL are actually helping to shift the focus on antisemitism away from where it belongs, undermining the much-needed concerted effort to protect the imperiled foundations of multiracial democracy in the U.S. More Conservative rabbis struggle with interfaith marriage ban — and some are flouting it (Forward article discussed above) Is Paul Simon Jewish? Or 'Jew-ish'? Parashat Emor Home page Pregnant women in America and Israel face starkly different choices – The Forward - America is the worst place in the Western world to be a mother. If Roe falls, millions of American women will have this broken system forced upon them. A better way for families is not an impossible dream — it’s what your Israeli cousins and colleagues live with everyday. Compared to Israeli policy, and the policy of every other wealthy country in the world, American policy is staunchly anti-family and anti-Mom.   Hashkiveinu: Seeking Comfort and Protection Through the Night | My Jewish Learning - This prayer, traditionally recited in the evening, envisions God as a guide and shelter. Joshua Cohen's satirical novel 'The Netanyahus' wins Pulitzer Prize for fiction - Jewish Telegraphic Agency - Loved this book. Shabbat Shalom! Rabbi Joshua Hammerman Temple Beth El 350 Roxbury Road Stamford, Connecticut 06902 203-322-6901 | www.tbe.org    A Conservative, Inclusive, Spiritual Community

Piercing the Heavens

We learn in Pirke Avot, “There is no person who does not have his hour.”  On a Shabbat morning in early June, a remarkable young man will ascend to the Torah to become Bar Mitzvah in my synagogue, on the very same pulpit where his bris took place thirteen years ago.  His name is Jewels Harrison. 

Because of his degree of autism, Jewels’ capacity for speech is very limited, but he has found new ways to sing God’s praises.  In only a short amount of time, Jewels has become an accomplished pianist.  He doesn’t read music, but is able to hear and reproduce it in detail. Innovative rows of pictures and symbols helped him identify and associate songs to play. 

For his mitzvah project, Jewels has been performing at small parlor recitals, raising money for programs that will benefit other kids with special needs.  His playing is extraordinary for any child his age, but especially for one who has spent so much of his life with very limited ability to communicate.  See for yourself - an excerpt from a recent performance has been uploaded to http://ellentube.com/videos/0-8z2xziy2/.

To hear Jewels play is to hear the shepherd boy’s flute in the iconic Hasidic tale of the Baal Shem Tov.  Moved by his first exposure to the powerful Yom Kippur service though unable to read or understand the liturgy, that boy prayed in the manner that he knew best.  The congregation was aghast and looked to evict the boy, until the rabbi indicated from the pulpit that those shrill sounds of the whistle were able to pierce the heavens so that the prayers of the entire congregation might ascend.

Jewels is also preparing to lead many of the prayers of the service with his voice.  Through hard work and much patience, he is going to do just fine, but for the hundreds who will be attending, perfection will not be pertinent.  What will matter was that we bear witness to Jewels’ resounding statement that every human being has his hour, every life has infinite value, and everyone is equal in the eyes of God.

You may have heard of the recent cancellation of a bar mitzvah for special needs children in Rehovot, Israel, because it was to be held in a Masorti (Conservative) facility. The mayor insisted that the service be held at an Orthodox synagogue. You can read the latest update on this sad situation here).  The irony here is that some traditional synagogues do not allow such children to come up to the Torah and say the blessings.   There is a notion in Jewish law that those with severe disabilities are not “of sound mind” and therefore are not eligible to take on public responsibilities like being a witness, or, more to the point, representing the congregation in leading services.   Despite these restrictions, even very traditional rabbis are increasingly recognizing the dangers of labeling special needs or physically disabled children with a broad brush. 

In their book, “Practical Medical Halacha,” Fred Rosner and Moses Tendler state that Jewish law urges those with special needs “to achieve their fullest potential as Jews, while exhorting society to assist them in making their religious observance possible.”  In the Talmud, after all, (Eruvin 54b) Rabbi Preida had a student with a severe learning disability, to the point where needed to repeat each lesson four hundred times before the student understood it.  Such patience needs to be applied across the board, and to a degree, that is happening. 

There is no lack of compassion for special needs children in the Orthodox world, a general position of inclusiveness that is mandated in the Talmud; which is why the Rehovot incident is even more alarming.  The mayor was willing to turn these kids into pawns to further his own political agenda.

Masorti has been running this special needs bar mitzvah program in Israel for many years. Just as Conservative Judaism has incorporated relevant contemporary data to reassess longstanding views regarding feminism and homosexuality, so did it long ago find ways to incorporate into ritual practice contemporary understandings of mental impairment and genetic disorders.  As with women and gays, the purpose of implementing changes to long-held practices is to affirm the dignity of these individuals.   As our sources repeat time after time, the dignity of the individual should always be paramount. 

I've led many memorable bar/bat mitzvahs of special needs children.  One of my first was for a young man with Down syndrome, who used that bar mitzvah process as a springboard to living an exemplary life in leadership and advocacy.  Today, three decades later, he is often in Washington articulating his cause and lobbying for better legislation.  He’s co-written a book (which became a TV movie) detailing his experiences.  Had he grown up in Rehovot, God only knows if he would have had such opportunities or gained such confidence.  It would have been the world’s loss.

Children with such challenges have so much to offer and often can’t stand up for themselves when mistreated.  Many can’t speak at all.  Oftentimes they are too trusting of those take advantage of them.  The Rehovot story is simply a disgrace, a stain on Israel and a shame for all of us. If this behavior is representative of Judaism, it almost makes me want to go back to Sinai and start all over again.

Fortunately it is not.

When I was 12, I got into the only fistfight of my life, and it was when a kid started mocking my brother, who is significantly impaired, laughingly calling him a "retard." Nowadays there are only a few things that bring out the moral outrage in me as much as the abuse of innocent young children with disabilities.

And few things validate my decision to become a rabbi and represent the eternal message of Sinai more than seeing children like Jewels ascend to the Torah, piercing the heavens with a prayer so intense and pure that it just might save us all.

Two Obscure Fasts: Burying Conflict and Burial Societies

Although Valentine’s Day is behind us, you might want to catch up on why I think it’s not only OK for Jews to celebreate Valentine’s Day, it fits perfectly into the Jewish calendar, especially this year, when we are fast closing in on Purim (next weekend) and this week we read the portion Terumah, which literally means “gifts of love.” In ancient times, the rabbis instituted two fast days that occur at this time of year, and one of them, on the 9^th of Adar, is all about conflict resolution – in other words, taking those gifts of the heart and directing them toward building a peaceful world.  On Shabbat morning, I’ll explain more about this obscure fast day and why some are calling next Tuesday, the 9^th of Adar a “Jewish Day of Constructive Conflict.”

The other obscure fast day set to occur this weekend is Adar 7, traditionally the yahrzeit of Moses (and also his birthday). Some say that the timing has to do with the fact that next week’s portion, Tetzave, is the only one in the last four books of the Torah that does not include Moses’ name.  Moses’ yahrzeit is also considered a time when communities call attention to the important work done by the local burial society, the Hevra  Kadisha.   Why?  The most common explanations: When Moses led the Exodus from Egypt, he carefully brought Joseph’s bones out with them. Then in return for that act of kindness (which Jewish tradition considers to be among the greatest acts of kindness of all – a Hesed Shel Emet) , tradition says that when Moshe died at 120, God Him/Herself served as the Hevra Kadisha for him, preparing his body and burying it with love and care.

This Sunday night, our local Hevra Kadisha will gather for its annual dinner.  I am proud of the ongoing support TBE lends to this community organization and of the several TBE members who are actively involved in this loving work.  “Love is as strong as death,” says the Song of Songs, and for Jews, Valentine’s Day extends beyond the grave.

TBE B'not Mitzvah on Jewish Home Israel Trip!

See this TV report about an incredible journey that will be taking place next week!

Jewish Home residents heading to Israel: wtnh.com

7th Grade Mock Wedding Photos, 2011

Mazal tov to Andrew and Zoe, whom I married today....just a few months of their b'nai mitzvah. Not to worry. The wedding was part of our 7th grade lifecycle curriculum. This is a program that we always enjoy. But this one was special. Thanks to Dan Young for the photos (the father of the groom).

2011 7th Grade Class Wedding (photos by Dan Young)

Hammerman on Ethics: Renting Dodger Stadium for a Bar Mitzvah

Here's the latest blog posting from my ethics column at the Jewish Week: Renting Dodger Stadium for a Bar Mitzvah

When is a Bar or Bat Mitzvah too much?
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Rabbi Joshua Hammerman
Special to the Jewish Week

Question: My husband wants a lavish bar mitzvah for our son next year. I think it's wrong to spend $ 50,000 on a party for a 13 year old kid when so many of our fellow Jews are experiencing hard times. What does Jewish law have to say about this?

Answer: You're right, sort of. And your husband is all wrong. Did you know that $50,000 can feed 10,000 malnourished African children for a week? I think I once saw that on a UNICEF box. Yes, Jewish law frowns on spending excessively and consuming conspicuously; but it's not simply a matter of sensitivity to those enduring hard times. Click here for the rest of the response.

Website of the Week: The Good People Fund

The world of Tzedakkah shed a creative tear last year with the passing from the scene of Danny Siegel's Ziv Foundation. Siegel single handedly revolutionized the way Jews do philanthropy by seeking out those small, personal projects that touch lives, and giving us all access to these mitzvah heroes. Now the work of Ziv has found new expression in The Good People Fund. Find it at http://www.goodpeoplefund.org/Home. They've also just released their Good People Fund Guide for 2009. Click here to view the report.

(Meanwhile, Siegel's work continues independently and can be seen at his website, http://www.dannysiegel.com/.)

This site is a MUST for all bar mitzvah families, and in fact for the rest of us too. The layout is vastly improved from the old Ziv site, but the mitzvah options remain equally inspiring. Read about Clara Hammer, the “Chicken Lady” of Jerusalem. Clara’s story is a legend that has been shared with many people throughout this country, especially religious and day school students who contribute tzedakah to her work.

Many years ago, while visiting her butcher, Mr. Hacker, Clara witnessed him handing over a bag of chicken bones and skin to a young girl. Commenting to him that the girl must own many cats, the butcher replied that the bag’s contents were actually for the family to use to prepare a Shabbat cholent. He went on to explain that the father and mother were not well and had not worked in a very long time. Though he had extended credit to them, he could no longer do so. Clara was appalled that anyone would have to eat such garbage and instructed Mr. Hacker to give the girl two chickens and a half kilo of chopped meat weekly so that they could have a proper
Shabbat. No one was to know the identity of the donor.

Clara has been performing the mitzvah of feeding hungry people for almost 30 years. (she was merely 69 when she actually started this particular mitzvah). She's 99 now!

And we at TBE can take particular pride in The Forgotten People Fund, involving our own mitzvah hero, Jan Gaines. Here's what the guide has to say about that:


The Forgotten People Fund is an all-volunteer group that works in Netanya, home to Israel’s largest Ethiopian population, most living in very poor conditions. FPF volunteers, led by our friends Aida Miller and Anne and David Silverman, establish personal relationships with many individuals and families and offer them friendship and also help with food, education costs, health education, clothing…the list is endless. They are a true lifesaver for so many in that city. When we visited Israel this past February we enjoyed a visit with Aida and Jan Gaines, one of the American volunteers who spend severalmonths inNetanya. It was inspiring to hear about the group’s many programs particularly the work they do with senior Ethiopians—lectures, a choir, an ulpan and a nutritious breakfast that is served three days a week. This past year the group celebrated its 10th Anniversary and also received an award for outstanding volunteer service from Netanya’smayor.We have always been proud of the work that we do with the FPF—they are all-volunteer and nearly 100% of the funds they raise are directed to helping families and individuals with their most basic needs. We can’t wait for the 20th anniversary celebration!

Read about these and many other mitzvah opportunties, as we at TBE begin the Year of the Mitzvah and our participation in JTS Chancellor Arnold Eisen's "Mitzvah Initiative," which you will soon be reading about.

Teens Behaving Badly: An Advocate Bar Mitzvah

The Stamford Advocate decided to make Bat Mitzvah mischief making its front page story yesterday: Norwalk police clear bat mitzvah gone awry. Here's the follow up story just published: Norwalk mansion rental policy may change after out-of-control bat mitzvah.

I commend TBE congregant Artie Selkowitz for questioning in a letter to the editor today, Where's the coverage of good news? Also see TBE congregant Lynn Villency Cohen's letter. This is not to excuse any vandalism or inappropriate sexual behavior that may have gone on. These issues are long-term, not just for bar mitzvah parties, but for all teen activities. The things I hear about the way people "grind" at proms, for instance, are equally troubling, as is the general culture of "hooking up" that has become so prevalent. These might be fodder for a general article about the lack of modesty and respect for other human beings and property that are so noticeable in the behavior of some teens (and adults too).

But front page news? C'mon! I've been the first to critique excesses at these events (seeBar Mitzvahs Play Better Off Broadway (Jewish Week, 12/19/08) and Have We Gone Overboard? )but specifically to tie this type of misbehavior into Bar Mitzvah is equivalent to saying that because there was rioting in L.A. following the Lakers' championship the other day, the NBA somehow is evil and corrupt. I won't raise the banner of anti-Semitism, but why focus on a party that happens to occur after a particular religious event as opposed to any other teen party where similar (or worse) things might happen?

I'm not blind to the fact that our own students are capable of this kind of thing (though no TBE kids were mentioned in the article), but I've noticed a distinctly positive trend in the way families approach this event over recent years, and in particular this year. The over-the-top parties have fallen victim to the bad economy (even those who have the money see it as being in bad taste) in favor of more spiritual values. Our kids understand that as well. I've seen far less "bar" as the saying goes, and much more "mitzvah."

Here's what I said in my charge to last week's bat mitzvah, in fact (responding to her speech, which is below):

Amber, you are fearless! Let me tell you a story about courage and gymnastics…

You might just be the best Jewish female gymnast since Kerri Strug. Kerri helped the US team win gold at the Athens Olympics about one month after you were born.

It all came down to one jump. And who takes it? Kerri, the indomitable Jewish girl from Arizona. But her ankle is injured. Should she jump? Should she risk possible permanent injury for the sake of her team, her country?

When I first read the news story that Kerri was Jewish, I laughed until I cried. It described how the rabbi of Kerri's synagogue led the congregation in a special healing prayer for her following her epic/tragic leap. Her rabbi commented to the reporter, "As an American and as a Jew, I was proud." It turns out the Strugs had been members of the congregation since 1988.

It turns out the rabbi had never met Kerri Strug.The story concluded, "Strug's mother said her daughter did not attend the synagogue's religious school or become bat mitzvah there because she was too busy."

OK – so what is the true measure of courage? Right here! It’s being able to do all those flips on the balance beam and THEN chanting a mean haftarah.

No, not mean… there isn’t anything mean about you, Amber.

In an NBC soap-essay called "The Kerri Strug Story," the Strugs admitted that they often close their eyes when their daughter performs. They cannot bear to see what might happen, yet they've never tried to stop her, even when she once suffered a nearly catastrophic injury. They have placed their child in a position of maximal risk and closed their eyes to the responsibility.

Had Kerri become bat mitzvah, I believe her folks would have found it an eye-opening experience.On this pulpit, we see Olympian drama almost every week, as newly-crowned adolescents ascend spiritual peaks to do battle with their own limitations, the world's expectations and their swiftly developing sense of self; and they emerge not maimed but triumphant. It is a triumph that endures not for four years but for a lifetime. It is a personal best that doesn't place the victor on a winner's pedestal, but shoulder to shoulder with a hundred generations.

Not bad, huh.

You said in your booklet that if gymnastics were easy it would be called football. Yes, but if being a Jew were easy it would be called gymnastics! Have the courage to be a Jew – face each day like those people in Sderot. And we will all be there to cheer you on to the medal stand.

There are lots of things wrong with our culture Bar Mitzvahs are not among them.

TBE member and Advocate columnist Malerie Yolen Cohen, incensed over the Advocate lead story, gave me permission to include this e-mail that she wrote yesterday to the Advocate's op-ed editor.

Dear John,
I'm writing to you today not as a (former) columnist, but as a reader of the Stamford Advocate to protest the lead story in today's paper (Tues. June 16th).
Police: Bat mitzvah goes awry


I found this article to be objectionable on so many levels, primarily because it shouldn't have been published in the first place, especially on the front page just below the banner. Right off the bat, I can think of half a dozen reasons for this;


1. The story is three days old
2. No one was maimed or killed
3. The principal players were not from Stamford
4. The setting was not in Stamford
5. The piece was written National Enquirer sensationalist-style where allegations and hearsay serve as facts
6. If editors wanted to go with it, this story should have been a small item buried on page 4.


John, you know me and my writing. Over the years, I've celebrated the wonderful diversity in our community and general respect that religious groups here show to each other. So to see this piece, which clearly identifies a "Jewish coming of age" ceremony as impetus for debauchery and destruction, greatly concerns me especially in light of what happened at the Holocaust Museum last week. It just gives nut jobs with guns an excuse to go Jew hunting.
A much better lead story would have been the one on page 3 about the Avon Theater; a success story, a Stamford institution and an uplifting UNIFYING feature!


Thanks for reading,
Malerie Yolen-Cohen

Life Flow and the Mikva: A Spiritual Web Journey

This week I will have the pleasure of bringing a Jew by choice to our local mikva, where he immersed as the climactic moment of his conversion. Preparing for this event reminded me of the growing significance of this ancient symbol of purification and transition. Whether it is used for conversion, for the purposes of family purity, or to mark a major life transition, such the onset of Shabbat or a holiday, for some, or a recovery from a major illness for others, these natural waters are the perfect metaphor for the ebb and flow of life.

I recently taught a session of the Melton adult education series on this topic, and next week will also touch upon it in the next session of our acclaimed “Kosher Sex” series for young professionals. In preparation for those two classes, I came across some excellent materials and websites that I share with you here.

Take a look at them all, including the Conservative Movement’s Law Committee’s recent rulings on the matter.

While the laws of family purity still appear sexist and repressive (and obsessive) to many, the mikva’s significance goes far beyond those laws. For some women, a monthly immersion keeps them to be spiritually attuned to the rhythms of their bodies and of nature. For women and for men, immersion in life-giving waters is a way of defeating death – for when we lie in water we are suspended for a moment, naked, defenseless, un-breathing, as if dead; and then we re-emerge as if “born again.” The waters also soften us as they transform us, affirming our vulnerability and fragility, as well as our connectedness to nature.

Water is a symbol of life, and blood symbolizes death (though it contains the power of life)... shades of the first plague!

It’s time to take another look at the power of water.

This is the site of the new, pluralistic mikva in Boston, created by Anita Diamant, author of “The Red Tent.” It's called Mayyim Hayyim (Living Waters). See here creative, spiritual ceremonies of immersion:

For a woman following menstruation
For a bride
For a groom
For Passover

Also see http://www.mikvahproject.com/

And see from Ritualwell, The Use of the Mikva in Healing from Incest and click here to see various healing ceremonies involving immersion, including incidents of rape and abuse.

Also see (from Ritualwell):

Kavanah for Mikveh Prayer By Carol Rose
A meditation for the mikveh invoking God's healing presence

Prelude to Mikveh Poem By Cynthia Wallace
A kavanah for ritual immersion that focuses on the experience of mikveh as an experience of the Divine

Healing Well Prayer By Ariel Lee
A healing prayer to be said when immersing in the mikveh

Communal Misheberach for Healing Prayer By James I. Greene
An original prayer in both feminine and masculine forms

Waters of Healing Meditation – Kos Refuah/Cup of Healing Ritual Component
By Ariel Lee A meditation based on Miriam's Well

You can find an Orthodox explanation of the Purity Laws (Niddah): from the OU and from The Jewish Womens' Health Network

And the Conservative approach, which combines traditional observance with a more contemporary, feminist view: http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/teshuvot/docs/20052010/grossman_niddah.pdf

Here read some of the questions posed by observant women about the commandment to refrain from contact with their husbands during their time of “uncleanness.” It can get pretty complicated! http://www.yoatzot.org/article.php?id=115, http://www.yoatzot.org/question.php?id=2153, (Is it OK to be sitting on a couch with your husband?)
http://www.yoatzot.org/question.php?id=2841 (Can you hand a baby to your husband?)
http://www.yoatzot.org/question.php?id=7401, http://www.yoatzot.org/question.php?id=5106 (Can you touch your husband’s chair?)
http://www.yoatzot.org/article.php?id=85, http://www.yoatzot.org/question.php?id=2727

Read this from “The Golden Bough” http://www.bartleby.com/196/47.html on blood taboos in ancient societies.

A fascinating report on mikva from PBS: Religion and Ethics News Weekly - also see this feature, "Memoirs of a Mikva lady"

Finally, read the Jewish Enclyclopedia’s classic studies on the subject, at http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?artid=222&letter=B&search=baptism and http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?artid=338&letter=A

Remembering Dana and Reflecting on a Rabbi's Greatest Challenge

This past week, I had to do two funerals, one for a man who died at age 91, a good man, with a wonderful family who grieved over his grave in the frigid air this morning. As the tears let loose, however, I could not help but compare this situation to the service I had to conduct last Sunday for Dana Kraus. Dana was 23 when she died a week ago, inexplicably and suddenly. There were upwards of 900 people at her funeral, people from throughout this community and well beyond, and I can say that in death Dana has touched more people more deeply than most people do while alive.

Some got to know her really for the first time last week. Many have asked for copies of the eulogy I wrote, which, together with the passionate statements of friends and relatives, painted a picture of this loving soul cut down so young. With the encouragement and permission of Dana's family, I've uploaded my eulogy to the Web; you can find it by clicking here.

Thankfully, I don't officiate at many funerals like this one. The experience can be extremely draining, to the point where I felt I needed to take last Friday night off before a weekend of extreme highs and lows. But as much as I dread such situations, I also am supremely grateful to have the chance to help people in a manner that few can. This week, everyone has been wanting to do something for the Kraus family. The shiva has been wall-to-wall people. There have been lots of heroes, so many people who have contributed. The rabbi's part is perhaps the most public, but my no means the most difficult. Some friends stayed all night at the funeral home with Dana to keep her company and prepare her body in the traditional manner. That's much more difficult than anything I do.

I wish I could describe what it's like to be standing in front of 900 people who are riding on every word. Add to that the deep desire to "do justice" to a life of infinite value and equally great nuance. And yet, while there is a degree of pressure, what you feel most of all is a sense of privilege. Rabbis often experience life at the limits, but never more than at these moments.

But how is it possible to control one's own emotions at a time of such utter chaos and dread? When I first started out as a rabbi, in my late 20s. I wrote that "I prepare for each funeral as if it were my first, for it was at my first that I was best able to share in the sense of raw, unadulterated grief that consumed the family." I wouldn't say exactly that today. I understand that people need the calm professional who can hold them up while still feeling their pain. It's almost impossible to balance the two, but it's necessary. At times it means shielding oneself a little. Numbness is is not generally a good thing, but as I wrote more recently, sometimes the only way to survive such terror is to avert its direct gaze.

And then there are the young adults and teens. I felt more for them this week than for almost anyone else, as most of them have never had to deal with something like this. A tiny silver lining is that I've reconnected with a number of young adults who grew up here, many of them choosing now to come to me with questions totally unrelated to the week's events. Small though it may be, this silver lining is part of what the shiva process is about: reconnecting with community. This week, that has happened for people of all ages.

Dana liked Robert Frost. Here's a brief poem that speaks directly to the sadness we all feel at her loss:

“Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.”

- Robert Frost

World Wide Wrap 2009

Here are some photos from today's "World Wide Wrap," with students and adults having the opportunity to learn about the mitzvot of tallit and tefillin. Click on the photos to enlarge.


Enjoy!