In This Moment, by Rabbi Joshua Hammerman: June 21: Pride Shabbat Photos and Video; Rabbinic Father's Day

In This Moment

Our Pride Shabbat service featured Marion Sherman Howard (pictured here with husband Chris Coogan), who spoke about her journey as a parent of a transgender child.  That child, Max, who just graduated from Purdue, also joined us from Indiana.

Watch her moving talk and the rest of the service by clicking here

See more screen shots from the service below

Celebrating our upcoming first TBE Zoom wedding 

Zachary Covan and Fay Silber (with proud parents Jerry and Bracha Silber)

Happy Father's Day!

Need a laugh? Check out the Onlon's list of the Ten Worst Bar Mitzvahs.  #6 was in Stamford (not!).

Yesterday, I received my copy of the new book, When We Turned Within: Reflections on COVID-19, edited by Rabbi Menachem Creditor and Sarah Tuttle-Singer and it is a true collector's item, a time capsule of 381 Jewish heartwarming and inspirational responses to these fateful times. I'm honored to be one of the contributors, but there are so many voices here, rabbis, poets, essayists and "just plain folks," and each takes a slightly different approach to what we've all been through and what we can take from the experience.  There are also reflections on the Black Lives Matters protests that have overlapped with the pandemic.  

Sarah Tuttle Singer (one my favorite columnists, who is New Media Editor at Times of Israel), explains in her introduction to the book:

We are all here, sharing the same wild storm together - rough waters, high waves, dark clouds. Maybe we are mourning someone we love dearly, and looking for a Minyan to say Kaddish somehow. Maybe we are struggling with unfathomable loneliness. Maybe we are feeling trapped in a house with young kids and no community support. Maybe we are risking our lives to heal the sick in a COVID-19 ward.  Maybe we are out of work and afraid we will never recover financially. Maybe we have to go to work where we make minimum wage as a checkout clerk. Maybe we need to offer solace to a member of the community when we, too, are seeking solace and don't know how to ask.

And while we each experience this period in profoundly different ways, all of our individual experiences are true, and holy, and speak to a greater shared human experience: We are all in this together.

Five Rabbinic Suggestions for Father's Day

  

My father, Cantor Michal Hammerman, on the right, 

with his two cantorial brothers, Saul and Herman, 1971

While Jewish mothers usually get all the attention, this is the weekend to celebrate Jewish fathers.

1) A child should not stand or sit in a place where his father is accustomed to standing or sitting (Kiddishin 31b).  Some call this the "Archie Bunker Law."

 2) A child should not support his father's opponents in a scholarly dispute. In other words, they forbade "Patrilinial Dissent." (Sorry for that groan-inducing pun, a Dad joke if there ever was one).

 3) The rabbis praised Duma, a heathen who refused to awaken his father, although he needed a key lying under his father's pillow in order to conclude a transaction that would have netted him a profit of 600,000 gold coins. One can imagine how proud Dama's father was of his son when he woke up...

4) The rabbis state firmly that a child is obligated to attend to the material needs of his parents while they are alive and to mourn for them properly when they die.

 5) One more suggestion not mentioned in the Talmud: on Father's Day, let your dad sleep nice and late!

-          Also, read how Jewish fathers are the opposite of TV dads.

-          Check out this historical survey of Jewish fathers.

-          Two favorite articles I've written about fatherhood, following the births of my two sons: "Birth Rite" and "Fathers and Sons"

-          The Forward asked for Six Word Memoirs about Jewish fathers. Here are a few of them:

Actor, scrap man, embellisher of of stories.
- Ilene Stein, 64, Riverside, Calif., about Max M. Fields

He lives generously. That's my inheritance.
- Paula Chaiken, 42, Kingston, Pa., about Gene Chaiken

Dad's matzo balls? Hard. Heart? Soft.
- Cheryl Levine, 48, Yellow Springs, Ohio, about Barry Levine

Dad, homework done, healthy. Don't worry!
- Debbie Wasserman Schultz, 46, congresswoman, Weston, Fla., about Larry Wasserman

Always making puns, always causing groans.   (See "Patrilineal Dissent," above)
- Julie Grossman, 26, North Bethesda, Md., about Garry Grossman

Sense of humor, debt-free educations.
- Alexandra Schmidt, 44, Niskayuna, N.Y. about John Lutch

Eating ice cream in underwear. 5 a.m.
- Rich Cohen, 45, author of "Israel is Real," Ridgefield, Conn., about Herb Cohen

Zayde shined my shoes and heart.
- Donna Erbs, 52, Portland, Ore., about Max Joffee

Waiter, I ordered the kosher lobster.
- Shira Kaiserman, 28, New York, about Ronald Kaiserman

Clean linen handkerchiefs comfort me still.
- Roberta Rosenberg, 58, Clarksville, Md., about Harry Rosenberg

Brimming bookshelves - bent, leant and shmoozed.
- Wayne Firestone, 49, president of the Genesis Prize Foundation, Rockville, Md., about Bruce Firestone

Mel Brooks movie marathon: perfect Shabbos.
- Casey Stein, 25, New York, about Alan Stein

Dude dug prunes, melbas and mama.
- Henry Greenspan, 65, Ann Arbor, Mich., about Albert Lewis Greenspan

Theirs - writer, scholar, lecturer. Mine - Aba. 

Enjoy the day!

Rabbi Joshua Hammerman

Shabbat-O-Gram for June 16

 

See our complete spring and end-of-year album 

and our Cantor's Concert photo album 

Shabbat shalom!

This Shabbat we celebrate with the family of Jason Busch, who becomes bar mitzvah.  Also, join us this evening as Meira Rosenberg, a longtime TBE member, will talk about her journey to authoring her new young adult novel, Indiana Bamboo.  Mazal tov to Jason and Meira (and you can read the d'var Torah of last week's bat mitzvah, Sarah Eisenstein, here).

This evening we'll also be featuring some fabulous new musicians, Vladimir Katz and Efrat Shapira. (See Efrat on YouTube).  

Looking ahead to next week, on Pride Shabbat, we will feature Brian Gelfand and the long anticipated return of world famous violinist Alicia Svigals.

As we celebrate Pride Month at next week's service TBE member Elise Feldman will share some personal reflections about her journey.  Many of us have come to know Elise well through her involvement in our choir, Hevre young families group and her leadership in any number of areas.  We are grateful to have her here!

On a related topic...

Hiddush, a watchdog for religious freedom and equality in Israel, just released a fascinating new survey stating that support for same-sex marriage/civil unions in Israel has reached a - record high of 79% of the Jewish Israeli public. This reflects a consistent increase in public support for the official establishment of state recognized same-sex partnerships in Israel, which stood at 76% in 2016 and in previous years ranged from 60-65%. These findings arose from a Hiddush-commissioned survey conducted by the Rafi Smith Polling Institute.  And as you can see below, this support runs pretty much across the political spectrum, except among the Ultra Orthodox.

 

That's the good news.  The rest of the story, as Hiddush reports, is not so good:

Israel not only denies same-sex couples the right to marry, against the clear public will, but also denies hundreds of thousands of heterosexual couples the right to family because it granted exclusive monopoly over Jewish marriages to the Orthodox Rabbinate. This political reality also forces more than a million and a half additional citizens to marry in ceremonies that do not befit their beliefs and lifestyles. The data prove that the establishment of legal marriage for same-sex couples and religious freedom in general have practically become the public consensus of the Israeli Jewish population. The public's will has never been translated into legislation because all successive Israeli Governments, from both the left and the right, have instead traded away the public's freedom of marriage and divorce to the Orthodox parties in exchange for their political support.

Israel remains the only Western democracy in the world, which severely restricts the freedom of marriage. In fact, nearly ten percent of the population cannot marry at all. 42 countries now allow for marriage or legal registration of same-sex couples. In other words, the gap between Israel and the rest of the enlightened world in the arena of LGBTQ rights is only increasing. 

The gap between the Israeli public and Israeli government on the issue of civil marriage and religious freedom is growing.  Last month Hiddush released a survey showing that well over half of Jewish Israelis would prefer that the Chief Rabbinate not have a monopoly on performing weddings.

 

And that, in my mind, is further good news, for although this unfair situation has been around since the beginnings of the state, the public push for change is eventually going to force that change to happen, as it did here in the US with interracial and gay marriage.  Marital freedom in Israel is something that American Jews need to see as our issue too, since questions of personal status speak to our legitimacy as Jews and the core values of the Judaism we espouse.  And the fact that Haredi Jews, who represent only ten percent of the population, can impose their will on everyone else, is very troubling and inherently undemocratic.

These issues should matter to those who really care about the future of Israel. That's why I've invited Rabbi Uri Regev, executive director of Hiddush, to speak here this coming fall.

A Trip of Many Lifetimes

Exactly two weeks from now, Mara and I will lead a group of 22 from our TBE family in TBE's first-ever Jewish Heritage Tour of Central Europe.

Some aspire to take the "trip of a lifetime," but the significance of this one will span hundreds of lifetimes, as we look back upon central events of Jewish history, bearing witness to some of our greatest triumphs along with undoubtedly the greatest tragedy the world has ever seen.  

Elie Wiesel believed that when we hear the story of a witness, we too become witnesses, and through us the story lives on; a living scroll ever unfolding.  "Because I remember, I despair," Wiesel said. "Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair." 

As I remarked on Yom Kippur, Wiesel's death last year was the end of an era - he was our Survivor in Chief, representing all the witnesses.  He was our prophet, and the prophet's voice has now been silenced. But he charged us with the responsibility of being witnesses in his stead.  That is why this congregational trip is so important.  This is not merely a tour of places like Warsaw, Krakow, Budapest, Prague and Berlin - although we'll have lots of opportunity to enjoy these glorious cities.  Make no mistake, this is a pilgrimage, to places where Jewish civilization thrived for a thousand years, and to Auschwitz, where human civilization nearly died in a thousand days.

Auschwitz was the epicenter of it all.  It is a place where all civilized human beings must go, to remember, and pray, and to take upon ourselves the mantle of witness, to pick up the gauntlet from Wiesel.  It is not a burden, but an honor to respond to that sacred calling.

Ultimately, this "trip of many lifetimes"will direct our attention less to the past than to the future. 

The Jew has an obligation to remember, but then to shed the shell of victim, the confining shell of resentment and anger and despair, and to transform the disaster into an embrace of life and a relentless pursuit of justice and dignity for every human being.  For a Jew is responsible not merely to be a witness, but to dream, to imagine a better future, despite the darkness that surrounds us.  Shimon Peres, who also died last year, said we should use our imagination more than our memory.  "Optimists and pessimists die the exact same death," he said, "but they live very different lives!"

The message of this trip is this: To be a Jew is to live acutely, relentlessly and compassionately, and to be moving forward while always glancing over our shoulder...to be a witness to the past and a beacon toward the future.  To cling to life and purpose with all our might.   And all the while to be totally and unabashedly human.

This trip will hardly be a downer: Along the way our group will encounter some true heroes to inspire us - like Mordechai Anielevicz and Janusz Korczak in Warsaw, Rabbi Moshe Isserles and Oscar Schindler in Krakow, along with TBE's own Eric Strom, Hannah Senesh and Raoul Wallenberg in Budapest,  the Maharal of Prague and the beautiful children of Terezin - and then, in the supreme irony, we will go to Berlin, where the destruction began but where an incomprehensible Jewish renaissance is taking place, and where a new spirit of reconciliation is taking root.

Oh and we're going to have lots of fun. Still, as witnesses, we'll represent this community, and one of our missions will be to bring the rest of you along with us through what we send back to you in real time.  So in early July look out for photos, videos and words from me and the others, testimony that will go far beyond a few random Trip Advisor ratings, as we embark on this trip of many lifetimes.

So much of our purpose in taking this journey is embedded in Emil Fackenheim's idea of a 614th commandment (quoted below), never to forget the Holocaust and to prevent Hitler from gaining a posthumous victory.  We have many reasons to bear witness, ranging from the particularistic (preserving the Jewish people) to the universal (to prevent genocide from happening anywhere).  No doubt, though, that Auschwitz has become sacred ground - a holy place that every Jew - and every civilized person - should visit.

What does the Voice of Auschwitz command?

           

Jews are forbidden to hand Hitler posthumous victories. They are commanded to survive as Jews, lest the Jewish people perish. They are commanded to remember the victims of Auschwitz lest their memory perish. They are forbidden to despair of man and his world, and to escape into either cynicism or otherworldliness, lest they cooperate in delivering the world over to the forces of Auschwitz. Finally, they are forbidden to despair of the God of Israel, lest Judaism perish. A secularist Jew cannot make himself believe by a mere act of will, nor can he be commanded to do so....And a religious Jew who has stayed with his God may be forced into new, possibly revolutionary relationships with Him. One possibility, however, is wholly unthinkable. A Jew may not respond to Hitler's attempt to destroy Judaism by himself cooperating in its destruction. In ancient times, the unthinkable Jewish sin was idolatry. Today, it is to respond to Hitler by doing his work.

          For a Jew hearing the commanding Voice of Auschwitz the duty to remember and to tell the tale is not negotiable. It is holy. The religious Jew still possesses this word. The secularist Jew is commanded to restore it. A secular holiness, as it were, has forced itself into his vocabulary...

          Jews after Auschwitz represent all humanity when they affirm their Jewishness and deny the Nazi denial... The commanding Voice of Auschwitz singles Jews out; Jewish survival is a commandment which brooks no compromise. It was this Voice which was heard by the Jews of Israel in May and June 1967 when they refused to lie down and be slaughtered...

          For after Auschwitz, Jewish life is more sacred than Jewish death, were it even for the sanctification of the divine Name. The left-wing secularist Israeli journalist Amos Kenan writes: "After the death camps, we are left only one supreme value: existence."

  

Five Rabbinic Suggestions for Father's Day

 

 

My father, Cantor Michal Hammerman, on the right, 

with his two cantorial brothers, Saul and Herman, 1971

While Jewish mothers usually get all the attention, this is the weekend to celebrate Jewish fathers.

 

1) A child should not stand or sit in a place where his father is accustomed to standing or sitting (Kiddishin 31b).  Some call this the "Archie Bunker Law."

 

 2) A child should not support his father's opponents in a scholarly dispute. In other words, they forbade "Patrilinial Dissent." (Sorry for that groan-inducing pun)

 

 3) The rabbis praised Duma, a heathen who refused to awaken his father, although he needed a key lying under his father's pillow in order to conclude a transaction that would have netted him a profit of 600,000 gold coins. One can imagine how proud Dama's father was of his son when he woke up...

 

4) The rabbis state firmly that a child is obligated to attend to the material needs of his parents while they are alive and to mourn for them properly when they die.

 

 5) One more suggestion not mentioned in the Talmud: on Father's Day, let your dad sleep nice and late!

 

-          Also, read how Jewish fathers are the opposite of TV dads.

 

-          Check out this historical survey of Jewish fathers.

 

-          Two favorite articles I've written about fatherhood, following the births of my two sons: "Birth Rite" and "Fathers and Sons"

 

-          The Forward asked for Six Word Memoirs about Jewish fathers. Here are a few of them:

 

Actor, scrap man, embellisher of of stories.
- Ilene Stein, 64, Riverside, Calif., about Max M. Fields

 

He lives generously. That's my inheritance.
- Paula Chaiken, 42, Kingston, Pa., about Gene Chaiken

 

Dad's matzo balls? Hard. Heart? Soft.
- Cheryl Levine, 48, Yellow Springs, Ohio, about Barry Levine

 

Dad, homework done, healthy. Don't worry!
- Debbie Wasserman Schultz, 46, congresswoman, Weston, Fla., about Larry Wasserman

 

Always making puns, always causing groans.   (See "Patrilineal Dissent," above)
- Julie Grossman, 26, North Bethesda, Md., about Garry Grossman

 

Sense of humor, debt-free educations.
- Alexandra Schmidt, 44, Niskayuna, N.Y. about John Lutch

 

Eating ice cream in underwear. 5 a.m.
- Rich Cohen, 45, author of "Israel is Real," Ridgefield, Conn., about Herb Cohen

 

Zayde shined my shoes and heart.
- Donna Erbs, 52, Portland, Ore., about Max Joffee

 

Waiter, I ordered the kosher lobster.
- Shira Kaiserman, 28, New York, about Ronald Kaiserman

 

Clean linen handkerchiefs comfort me still.
- Roberta Rosenberg, 58, Clarksville, Md., about Harry Rosenberg

 

Brimming bookshelves - bent, leant and shmoozed.
- Wayne Firestone, 49, president of the Genesis Prize Foundation, Rockville, Md., about Bruce Firestone

 

Mel Brooks movie marathon: perfect Shabbos.
- Casey Stein, 25, New York, about Alan Stein

 

Dude dug prunes, melbas and mama.
- Henry Greenspan, 65, Ann Arbor, Mich., about Albert Lewis Greenspan

 

Theirs - writer, scholar, lecturer. Mine - Aba. 

Shabbat Shalom and Happy Father's Day!

Rabbi Joshua Hammerman

Five Rabbinic Suggestions for Father's Day

While Jewish mothers usually get all the attention, this is the weekend to celebrate Jewish fathers.

1) A child should not stand or sit in a place where his father is accustomed to standing or sitting (Kiddishin 31b).  Some call this the “Archie Bunker Law.”

  2) A child should not support his father’s opponents in a scholarly dispute. In other words, they forbade “Patrilinial Dissent.” (Sorry for that groan inducing pun)

   3) The rabbis praised Duma, a heathen who refused to awaken his father, although he needed a key lying under his father’s pillow in order to conclude a transaction that would have netted him a profit of 600,000 gold coins. One can imagine how proud Dama’s father was of his son when he woke up…

  4) The rabbis state firmly that a child is obligated to attend to the material needs of his parents while they are alive and to mourn for them properly when they die.

   5) One more suggestion not mentioned in the Talmud: on Father’s Day, let your dad sleep nice and late!

-          Also, read how Jewish fathers are the opposite of TV dads.

-          Check out this historical survey of Jews and fathers

-          Two favorite articles I’ve written about fatherhood, following the births of my two sons: “Birth Rite” and “Fathers and Sons”

-          The Forward asked for Six Word Memoirs about Jewish fathers. Here are a few of them:

Actor, scrap man, embellisher of of stories.
— Ilene Stein, 64, Riverside, Calif., about Max M. Fields

He lives generously. That’s my inheritance.
— Paula Chaiken, 42, Kingston, Pa., about Gene Chaiken

Dad’s matzo balls? Hard. Heart? Soft.
— Cheryl Levine, 48, Yellow Springs, Ohio, about Barry Levine

Dad, homework done, healthy. Don’t worry!
— Debbie Wasserman Schultz, 46, congresswoman, Weston, Fla., about Larry Wasserman

Always making puns, always causing groans.   (See “Patrilineal Dissent,” above)
— Julie Grossman, 26, North Bethesda, Md., about Garry Grossman

Sense of humor, debt-free educations.
— Alexandra Schmidt, 44, Niskayuna, N.Y. about John Lutch

Eating ice cream in underwear. 5 a.m.
— Rich Cohen, 45, author of “Israel is Real,” Ridgefield, Conn., about Herb Cohen

Captivated by Alharizi, Job and Frost.
— Jonathan Reichert, 81, physics professor and businessman, Buffalo, N.Y. about Victor Reichert, close 

friend and mentor to Robert Frost

Zayde shined my shoes and heart.
— Donna Erbs, 52, Portland, Ore., about Max Joffee

Waiter, I ordered the kosher lobster.
— Shira Kaiserman, 28, New York, about Ronald Kaiserman

Clean linen handkerchiefs comfort me still.
— Roberta Rosenberg, 58, Clarksville, Md., about Harry Rosenberg

Brimming bookshelves — bent, leant and shmoozed.
— Wayne Firestone, 49, president of the Genesis Prize Foundation, Rockville, Md., about Bruce Firestone

Mel Brooks movie marathon: perfect Shabbos.
— Casey Stein, 25, New York, about Alan Stein

Dude dug prunes, melbas and mama.
— Henry Greenspan, 65, Ann Arbor, Mich., about Albert Lewis Greenspan

Theirs — writer, scholar, lecturer. Mine — Aba. 

Fathers and Sons (adapted) from Stamford Advocate, April 1991

I’d known all along that my father would never abandon me, but never did I realize it more than on the day my first child was born.

What I’m going to write here will sound sexist to some, but I beg my female friends to indulge me on this one.  My training in religious traditions makes me take special note of the unique complexity of the father-son relationship.  For Jews, the primary command of the Passover Seder is to tell the story to your son (which in many modern translations has been expanded to include daughters too).  In Islam, the Quran is to be memorized and recited, with special care given toward its transmission to sons.  And for Christians, the story of Jesus revolves around the most theologically complex father-son relationship imaginable – complex yet so very simple.

For it all comes down to one thing. Every son needs a father, a close father to love and teach him, one who is present and caring, whether the father be the simplest of men – or God.

For twelve years, I had been searching for my father and, in one magical instant, I found him.

For twelve years I had been continually driving around that block, refusing to allow myself to be drawn into the light of my home, to the finality of my father’s death.  For twelve years I had been orbiting.

When Mara went into labor, I felt myself turning the corner of that street once again.  And then, when my son Ethan was pulled from his mother’s womb and his face turned toward me, I know that my eons of roaming aimlessly around the block had ended.  My father had returned.

The face was too serious and calm to belong to an infant – even though the lungs were crying like crazy – and too focused on one object in the room: me.  “Your journey is over,” the face seemed to be saying.  “You can leave the car and come back in the house.  It’s OK now.  I’m back. 

The hair, the lips, the nose, the all belonged to Ethan.  But the eyes were my father’s eyes.  And in a single moment the distant past became the present, out of death came new life, and the clock that had stopped on that New Year’s Day twelve years before started ticking again. Halftime was finally over.

I’d known it all along; my dad would never abandon me.  He was a rarity for his era, demonstratively affectionate and involved with his children, day and night.  Unlike all those TV dads of the Ward Cleaver era, mine actually took me to his office – often. (How often did Fred Flintstone and Barney bring Pebbles and Bam Bam to the quarry?)  While he worked, I filled coloring books and traded corny riddles and knock-knock jokes with the secretaries. 

In his early ‘90s best seller “Iron John,” Robert Bly writes of the phenomenon of the resolute and absent father, the dad who, on those rare occasions when he is home, has no idea which cold remedy to take or where the diapers are hidden.  Citing the work of a German psychologist, Bly argues that if a child does not actually see what his father does during the day, a hole will appear in his psyche, “and that hole will fill with demons who tell him that his father’s work is evil and that the father is evil.”  It was the absent father of the Ward Cleaver era that led directly to the student protests of the ‘60s, Bly suggests, as the students’ fears regarding their own fathers were transferred to all male figures in authority.

As I looked at Ethan, I thought of how present my father was – and how I wanted to be a present father too.  When the boy cries, I thought, I want to hold him every time until the cry becomes a coo.  And I want to hear every cry and coo, be there with him every waking moment, and if that is impossible, which it is, I want him to have such vivid memories of me that he’ll feel me there even when I’m not.

The father who is present for his child is never remote, I’ve discovered, and the father who is remote is never present – even when he is in the same room.

In the book of Genesis, Abraham’s words to Isaac were never recorded, but between the lines of the text one can guess what must have been said by one about to die at the hands of his father.  Isaac’s silent scream was a cry filled with the horror of the ultimate parental abandonment, one equaled in intensity only on rare occasions throughout history – perhaps only in Egypt, or at Golgotha.  Or Auschwitz.  “My God, my God,” echoed the pleas of the enslaved Israelite, the suffering Jesus and the brutalized European Jew.  “Why have you forsaken me?”

These cries to a common Father were often heard – and often not.  Many of us are still waiting.

Meanwhile, I discovered something quite astounding in February 1991.  My father was back, all right, but he could no longer be detected in the face of my son, though those eyes did continue to look strangely familiar. 

Instead, my father chose a most curious yet appropriate place to make his presence known – in my own presence.  Inasmuch as Ethan’s dad has been able to be the kind of present father every child deserves, a child of any age, Ethan’s grandfather will never be very far away.