Author of "Embracing Auschwitz" and "Mensch•Marks: Life Lessons of a Human Rabbi - Wisdom for Untethered Times." Winner of the Rockower Award, the highest honor in Jewish journalism and 2019 Religion News Association Award for Excellence in Commentary. Musings of a rabbi, journalist, father, husband, poodle-owner, Red Sox fan and self-proclaimed mensch, taken from essays, columns, sermons and thin air. Writes regularly in the New York Jewish Week and Times of Israel.
The Vrabel - Russini scandal remiInds us that in an Epstein-AI world, where sex is more about objectification and power, we need to get back to the basics: trust and commitment.
Before I address the ongoing saga of the football coach and the sportswriter, let me say a little about the other breaking news.
What happened last night in Washington is horrifying and must have been especially frightening to the hundreds of people in the room, including many reporters who literally had a major story fall into their laps. Thank God no one was seriously hurt.
We still don’t know all the what’s and why’s, and without underestimating the real terror everyone in the room must have felt, I wonder whether the story deserves any more oxygen than, say, all these mass shootings that have taken place just over the past week (source: Wikipedia):
That’s just a list of the mass shootings in one week! True, none of them involved rich and powerful folks like the ones at the dinner, but by standard definitions, last night’s incident wouldn’t even be considered a mass shooting.1 And it remains to be seen whether the perpetrator even fired the shot that evidently hit a secret service agent in his bulletproof vest, which he was thankfully wearing.
But we know little else, and when we are given more information from government sources, it’s a crapshoot as to whether we should trust it. That unfortunately needs to be said out loud. Yes, that’s a very sad state of affairs, but given that the now-politically castrated Hungarian macho man Viktor Orbán, when facing sagging polls, allegedly tried to pull off a false flag terror attack earlier this month (on April 4)…
…and given how Orbán has been the prime global model for Trump and his illiberal cronies, the possibility of a false flag attack between now and the midterms cannot be discounted. Anyone who ignores that possibility is burying their head in the sand (not to be confused with sticking it under the table, which was totally understandable last night).
Trump’s Hungarian mentor lost his election very badly, and that brings me to the most important thing that happened in the world this weekend.
Just today, in Israel, two of the most significant opposition leaders, Naftali Bennett and Yair Lapid, both of whom served as Prime Minister under the most recent government prior to the current extremist one, joined forces, unifying their parties under one banner. In fact the name of the new party will be “Yachad,” “United.”
This is more fallout from the Hungarian elections, as Peter Magyar’s landslide was fueled by the unification of all the opposition parties under his party’s banner. Given the elaborate gerrymandering and associated rigging that Orbán had accomplished over his years in power, consolidation was the only way the opposition could win. Magyar forced the other parties to comply and they did.
Netanyahu, like his illiberal Hungarian mentor, has profited from fostering division among his opposition. One can hope that this time the lessons of Hungary have been learned. It looks promising.
Before this week, Likud, Netanyahu’s party, was ahead or tied in the polls, although his coalition was running well behind the opposition. When the next polls are published, Bennett and Lapid’s combined forces will surpass Likud as #1. Bibi will be running far behind - and running for his political life. Unity works.
It remains to be seen whether Democrats in the US can unite before November. So far the signs are mixed. Truthfully, Trump and his policies are so unpopular right now that it might not matter. As long as we stay on guard for every dirty trick in the book - the book that was written by Orban.
The book that includes false flags.
Now, about that scandal…
For gossipmongers and Patriots haters, the saga of New England Patriots coach Mike Vrabel’s fall from grace has been a mesmerizing treat, a slow-motion train wreck with real-life consequences for real families. A round of schadenfreude for the house!
At first the titillating NY Post photos of Vrabel and journalist Dianna Russini holding hands were cringe-worthy, but hardly newsworthy. But the compromising kanoodling got worse and worse as the story, now shown to ostensibly go back at least six years, leapt off Page Six and into gossip columns and water cooler conversations everywhere, overshadowing the NFL Draft, and it became clearer that something was not right in the state of their marriages.
It’s important that I add here that we don’t know all the facts, and that no one can ever really know the full truth of what goes on inside someone else’s marriage. We don’t even know for sure if the photos are real or doctored.
One matter that we need to consider - if things are as they appear - is whether an affair is a serious transgression or just a “private matter.” While I’m no expert on matters of the heart, on matters of morality I feel qualified to respond.
I say that if there was infidelity involved, it’s serious on a whole lot of levels, and while we’ve understandably focused so much on other - very serious and less consensual - forms of sexual abuse in recent years, we’ve forgotten that simple infidelity is nothing to be sneezed at.
“Simple” is never really so simple. “Casual” is never really “casual.” A “fling” is never really just a “fling” or an “indscretion” or a “dalliance” or a “liaison.” Ever notice how so many of these euphemisms have French origins?
A betrayal of trust may not be as dramatic as physical or emotional abuse. It’s not sex trafficking or rape. It’s not peeping into dressing rooms at beauty pageants or copping a feel because “when you’re a star they let you do it.” These are all bad, and usually worse than “simple” infidelity. But an affair can often be just as harmful.
Just ask the families involved. Just don’t ask the Vrabels or Russinis, for now. Give them space.
You won’t be able to ask the corpses of all those killed by jealous ex-spouses. According to UN statistics from 2024, 140 women and girls die every day at the hands of their partner or a close relative, which means one woman or girl is killed every 10 minutes. And to be clear, murder is never justified. Spousal abuse is never justified. I’m just saying that crimes of passion don’t happen in a vacuum. There is no such thing as a “simple fling.”
Adultery is a cardinal sin for a reason. It’s dangerous and can be lethal.
Infidelity is exactly what the word says it is: a profound betrayal of trust. And anyone who would betray their most sacred vows can’t exactly be entrusted with things like nuclear codes or football teams.
They say the coverup is often worse than the crime. That’s often true. But not here. Yes, it appears that Vrabel and Russini lied in downplaying the scandal at first. And yes, the idea that they were “protecting their families,” whom they had betrayed, is laughable. Their profound care for their families was not on display in those photos.
But the coverup only made things worse in that it exacerbated what was already a serious betrayal of trust, one that is often fatal to a marriage and to other treasured relationships.
And the Bible understands that. Even though the ancient world was filled with double standards, not to mention sex slavery, handmaidens, abandonment and polygamy, the prohibition of adultery is still one of the “Big Ten.” The Hebrew root letters for adultery, N-A-F (נ-א-פ), connote the breaking not only of marital vows, but of a covenant with God. Just as in English, there is an intimate connection between the words adultery and idolatry.
Quick aside: I suppose when the Ten Commandments are required to be hoisted in Texas public school classrooms, as a court ruled last week, they might want to include a photo of Attorney General Ken Paxton, whose wife is suing him for divorce, citing adultery. Oops.
Paxton is not alone. Surveys indicate that a quarter or more of married couples (and many more who are in otherwise committed relationships) have experienced adultery. But it’s still bad, even if it’s common. The excuse that “everyone does it” has never held up.
Adultery is the most corrosive sin imaginable, because it involves the most sanctified of relationships. Marriage in Hebrew is called “Kiddushin,” which means “holy.” So in Judaism, marriage isn’t merely holy, it is the very essence of holiness. And the key to holiness - and to marriage - is not sustainable eros, it’s not merely “keeping the flame alive,” though undoubtedly passion is important. But love is, from a rabbinic and biblical perspective, much more about commitment and loyalty than emotion, which was precisely what Hosea was getting at.
Shai Held, who just came out with his book, Judaism is About Love, told Krista Tippett on the podcast On Being, that Jewish prayers reflect two kinds of love, abundant and abiding:
The rabbis believed that sins like adultery have consequences, not merely for a small nuclear family, but they have a ripple effect that extends to the entire world. From the Talmud:
Swearing, lying, murder, theft and adultery: What do they all have in common? They impact all of us. It’s like Israeli poet Yehuda Amichai wrote about the expansive impact of a single terror bomb.2 A single sin of lust and greed - even if everyone considers it a “private matter” and says “Who am I to judge?” - can have an equally devastating radius.
The biblical books of Proverbs and Job explain how devastating it can be, per the Bible Hub Lexicon:
Proverbs repeatedly warns of the personal ruin awaiting the adulterer. “He who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32). Adultery is portrayed not only as a social sin but as self-harm that incinerates reputation, finances, and life itself. The clandestine nature of the act—“The eye of the adulterer watches for twilight” (Job 24:15)—demonstrates its innate shame and the conscience’s testimony against it.
That said, not all adulteries are created equal. If in fact this current relationship is adulterous - which I repeat is still not conclusive - it certainly is not as destructive as King David’s relationship with Bathsheva. And even for David there was a way back, a path to repentance. There are multiple paths for both Vrabel and Russini to make things right, and one way would be for him to apologize to female sports reporters, as The Boston Globe’s Chris Gasper eloquently wrote today. Vrabel has worked for many years to elevate the profession for women, and they have now become collateral damage in this situation.
A betrayal of trust may not be as dramatic as physical or emotional abuse. It’s not sex trafficking or rape. It’s not peeping into dressing rooms at beauty pageants or copping a feel because “when you’re a star they let you do it.” These are all bad, and usually worse than “simple” infidelity. But an affair can often be just as harmful.
Several years back, I wrote a “Jewish Ethicist” column for The New York Jewish Week, and the question of infidelity came up in a context not unlike the one facing Vrabel and Russini right now. Below is my reply. For me, it’s not a matter of simply coming clean. I think Vrabel has already started to do that. It’s a matter of owning the failure and repenting. Part of that will involve his family, and for that part, the Vrabels are entitled to complete privacy. But part of this also involves the team and, not to be forgotten, the fans. People like me, a Pats fan forever, who completely bought into his authenticity and trusted his leadership. He needs to earn back that trust. I hope and suspect he will.
Here’s how I handled that Ethicist question, and in the notes, you can read some more source material from different religions on this topic.3
Q – I’m a shul president and I’ve just discovered that two of my board members have been carrying on an affair, using board meeting nights as cover for their trysts. I like them both and they are very hard workers. I like their spouses too. I’m not sure what to do. Do I confront them? Do I tell the rabbi? Do I kick them off the board?
A – Confront them in private and if they fess up, hope that they have the good sense to resign from the board, effective immediately. Otherwise, once the news gets out, if you do nothing, the reputation of your board and, by extension, your congregation, will be in the toilet.
Yes, you might consider it hypocritical not to similarly punish board members who eat ham sandwiches or break the Sabbath. But ritual laws are between a person and God. Interpersonal laws are far more complicated, but something like this can rip apart the fabric of a community, and the ancient rabbis knew it.
The Torah states “And Israel abode in Shittim and the people began to commit harlotry” (Num. 25:1). Recognizing the damage that adultery can do to a community, the rabbis stated that the place was named “Shittim” because the people committed folly - “shtut,” quoting Proverbs 6:32, “He who commits adultery is a complete idiot” (my translation).
If you fail to act, you’ll be implicitly condoning their behavior, and your congregation will no longer be a safe zone for the aggrieved spouses and their legions of supporters, a number that will multiply daily as the gossip makes the rounds. You don’t need to take sides, but if you ignore what occurred on your watch, that’s exactly what you’ll be doing, at the expense of the victims.
During my first year following ordination, way back in the last century, this exact same scenario unfolded. I was sopping wet behind the ears and an easy mark for a very powerful couple. The president passed the buck to me to decide their fate. So I called the perpetrators in. As their rabbi, I had to explain that they represent the organization and should resign from the board, but as their rabbi, I also let them know that I would treasure the chance to help them move forward toward repentance and reconciliation. They looked at me, a neophyte rabbi and virtual newlywed without a clue as to the trials of long-term marriage, like I was a little chutzpah-filled punk. I think the guy might have called me that. But I stood my ground, they left the board and the incident inspired me to write about the trials of being a young rabbi.
I heard from lots of people back then that when I reached my fifties, I’d come to understand why so many people sleep around, and then maybe I’d be less judgmental. Well, here I am, having successfully made it to midlife and I still don’t get it. Oh I know that successful marriages aren’t easy to sustain and I understand that temptation can be overpowering. I also try hard not to rush to judgment. But the act of deliberately jamming a dagger of betrayal into the heart of someone you once loved, or maybe someone you love still, that’s something I’ve never been able to comprehend. Once a person has betrayed that most primal commitment, how can they be entrusted with the future of anything else?
Which is why I never vote for an unrepentant philanderer. And why I wouldn’t want one on the board of my synagogue.
