Ask the Rabbi: Is it OK to Convert for Love?

Here is my latest response to an "Ask the Rabbi" question from About.com:

Q. I am writing to you because I was dating a Jewish man, though I myself am not Jewish. After breaking up a couple of times he came to the conclusion that it won't work because I am not Jewish. It hurts me to think that all of this is due to religious differences. I have offered to convert if it will make him happy, but both he and his family say that converting just because of him is not enough. I want to give our love a chance and make it work but I don't know where to go from here. Do you think that my conversion would be accepted in the Conservative faith if I only converted so that I could be with someone? Maybe if I tell his parents that a rabbi said my conversion would be "kosher" everyone will come around and things will turn out alright. I have no faith of my own and so converting to Judaism is not a spiritual struggle for me.

A. Absolutely! Let 'em know a rabbi says it's OK. Use my name. Give them my e-mail address. I'd be happy to talk to them, anytime.

While traditionally, a rabbi is required to discourage conversion, things have changed quite a bit in recent years. Some rabbis are even actively proselytizing, something we hadn't seen in the Jewish world since Roman times. And even those who maintain more traditional standards would have much more sympathy to your predicament than they may have had a generation ago. See the full response here.

Ask the Rabbi: A Shrimp Invasion

This week's About.com's Ask the Rabbi question challenged me to confront the complexity of the mitzvah of Kashrut and the ethics of being a sensitive host, thoughtful guest, loving daughter and supportive spouse. If you are not already subscribed to Ariela's informative Judaism newsletter, you can sign up here. Or check out Ariela's Judaism Blog.

Q. My wife and I have been married for 4.5 years. I grew up reform; she grew up conservative. She keeps kosher, but I don't; however, we have a kosher house in that we never bring pork or shellfish or other traif into the home, and never mix meat and dairy. We don't keep separate plates, dishwashers, etc.; we're really only kosher when choosing what to serve at mealtime. My wife keeps kosher in memory of her father; he kept kosher but tragically died when my wife was only 8. She decided at that time to keep kosher in tribute to him, and has remained so ever since.

That said, here's my question: Is it possible for someone other than my wife to eat traif in the house while SHE remains kosher? For example, we had a dinner party the other night and one of our guests didn't know anything about keeping kosher, so she brought a tray of shrimp scampi. It's a bit awkward to tell a guest that they're not allowed to enter our home with the food they bought and prepared, but that's what we did. If my wife never eats traif, does it place her "Jewishness" or kosher-keeping in jeopardy if someone ELSE eats traif in our house? In other words, is her keeping kosher invalid if traif is ever brought into the house, or only if she eats it?

A. Not to worry. Your wife and your home are still as kosher as they were before the shrimp's untimely entrance. While your practice does not match all the stipulations of the tradition, it is most commendable and clearly very meaningful to you both.

Questions like yours are not uncommon. Think of people who keep kosher living in a college dorm with non-kosher keepers, for example, or those who share an apartment who are not married. Also, increasingly, we have the phenomenon of kosher-keeping children coming home to visit non kosher parents for a prolonged stay, or vice versa. Plus, there are many levels of kashrut observance, as your practice demonstrates, and individuals and couples are (hopefully) on a spiritual journeys as well, where those practices evolve over time. Life is certainly complicated!

To put things simply, when we speak of a kosher home, we are not so much speaking of the whole as the sum of the parts. In reality, the entire home is not the issue. We're not talking about the bathroom, or the television, the computer or the carpet (unless we are discussing Passover and hametz); we are talking about dishes, ovens, pots, pans and of course, food. And we are talking about each individual dish, glass, fork, spoon, knife, oven, dishwasher, sink, pot and pan. If that shrimp scampi stayed in the living room and was eaten on a paper plate, it would not compromise the level of kashrut observance of anyone not eating it. Even were that guest to touch your wife with shrimpy hands, it would not be a problem. If the shrimp were eaten with your silverware or on the house dishes, that would present some (resolvable) complications. If a person eats something unkosher by mistake, s/he would just try to do better the next time. The laws of kashrut understand that people are fallible - things happen.

Your wife's dedication to her dad's memory is extremely moving. People have all sorts of reasons for keeping kosher (or following other mitzvot). BTW, I don't think it would have been rude for you both to have told the guest, sensitively, that your home is kosher, so unfortunately you won't be able to serve the shrimp scampi. You might apologize for not having made that clear in advance. We in the rabbi-biz call that a teachable moment, offering a chance to open a longer conversation about why keeping a kosher home is important to you both - and to the world.

Thanks for the question and good luck to you both.

Rabbi Joshua Hammerman

Ask the Rabbi: How to Respond to Non-Jewish Parent's Last Will

Ariela Pelaia, About.com's Guide to Judaism (as well as our programming director) sent a challenging "Ask the Rabbi" query my way this past week. It led to an interesting discussion at services last Shabbat morning. See the question on her blog here.

In this week's "Ask the Rabbi," Rabbi Joshua Hammerman answers a question about how to respond to the last wishes of a parent when those wishes conflict with Jewish beliefs and that parent had converted to Catholicism. As always, respectful comments are welcome.

Q. My mother just passed away and we have a difficult situation due to her last wishes and the way that she lived the last part of her life. My husband and I are Jewish, as was my father. After his passing, and against our wishes, my mother joined the Catholic Church (She was Jewish all her life before that). We were upset about that but couldn't talk her out of it although we tried to for almost 10 years. Our current problem is that her burial is being held up because she wanted a Catholic funeral Mass and also wanted to be cremated, and we are trying to decide what to do.

My husband and I do not want to attend a Mass or to allow cremation either. Should be just attend the graveside service or have a non-denominational service since she would not be able to have a Jewish funeral? And as for the cremation... should we go against her wishes? We can't decide what would be both ethical and morally right in this situation. Since she abandoned the Jewish faith, should we just allow her wishes to be honored? Or would that be giving sanction to her conversion?


A: First of all, my sincere condolences on the passing of your mother.


Your predicament presents two unusual twists to more common issues. First, I am most often asked questions by parents whose children have converted out or intermarried, not the other way. And second, I often am asked by those who have become Jews by Choice how to mourn the deaths of their parents who were lifelong Christians, not apostates.


There are two prevailing mitzvot that would seem on the surface to be at play here: 1) to honor your parent and 2) the obligations of a Jewish mourner. Traditional Judaism, including most Conservative opinions, would say that apostasy overrules both. It is counterintuitive to say that a parent should not be mourned, but the traditional approach would suggest that the mourning was already done, at the time of the apostasy. This would not be the case if a Jew by Choice were mourning a lifelong Christian parent. In that case I would say, by all means, attend the funeral and burial, and then mourn in the Jewish manner.


Why such revulsion against apostates? We need to remember that for most of Jewish history, maintaining a visible Jewish identity was risky. Yet so many became martyrs rather than betray their faith, and people had little respect for those who chose the cowardly alternative of submission. The resentment against apostates has grown in our time, when people are free to embrace their Jewish destiny without negative social consequences. Plus there is an added fear that the so-called "Jews for Jesus" and other missionary sects have muddied the waters, claiming that one can be both Jewish and a believer in Christian doctrine.


These are indeed muddy waters, because there is another side to it. Many who leave Judaism have done so under duress, such as the Marranos of the Spanish Inquisition era. And many return to the fold, even on the death bed. Rabbi Moses Isserles in the 16th century ruled that one may recite Kaddish for an apostate parent murdered by idolaters, and later authorities extended that include those whose parents died a natural death. They figured that the commandment to honor parents was one meant for the living, the children, and not subject to the dead parent's being deserving of that respect.


Okay, so what would I advise you? If I knew your mother's motives, it would be easier for me to respond. If the conversion coincided with some sort of dementia, for instance, I would lean toward lenience. If, on the other hand, her motives were to somehow punish God, or even you, I'd be less generous. Not knowing all the facts, I propose a compromise. I do think that it is important to mourn her in the Jewish way, because the Jewish way is your way. Your response to her conversion is to affirm the faith of your -and her - ancestors. The Kaddish speaks of restoring a degree of Godliness to the Universe, after all, and says nothing specifically about the fate of her soul.


But, while I would have no problem with a Jew attending a church service in general, or a Christian burial in particular, I believe that the honor due this parent need not extend this far. A non denominational service is not necessary, if there is going to be a mass as well. Why not make it a Jewish service?


I know just the place for that - at your home, during shiva. You can announce that she will be memorialized there. During the service, people can stand up and exchange anecdotes, or you could speak more formally. You can focus on all those positive qualities she embraced, the ones you will pass on to her descendants - her Jewish descendants.


Rabbi Joshua Hammerman

Ask the Rabbi: Jews and Shoes

I was recently asked about an obscure custom of throwing away the shoes of the deceased, rather than donating them to charity. Suffice to say that it is a superstition that in fact flies against at least two prime Jewish values, that of not wasting precious resources (Bal Tashchit) and that of helping to clothe the naked and help the poor. By all means, give those shoes away!

For detailed background on this matter, including a historical survey as to how the wives tale developed, see this responsum by Rabbi David Golinkin, "The Custom of Discarding the Shoes of the Deceased."

Ask the Rabbi: "Does My Hand Have a Disease?"

On Tuesday night our interfaith discussion group at Borders (got a real great crowd representing several different faiths) discussed the treatment of women in various religious traditions, with a focus on the Muslim burka. We compared it to the wigs worn by Jewish women in very traditional settings.

It so happens that I had just had this e-mail exchange with Alexa Petersen, a TBE freshman at Tufts. I often hear from our college students and their questions typically are ones that are of general interest. She gave me permission to reprint the exchange here (which I've slightly expanded). Incidentally, she shared my response with feminist philosophy teacher, leading to a great class discussion about the feminist movement in different religions.

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Hey Rabbi-- I have a quick question. I met the Rabbi at the Chabad at our school. He said his wife started the Yeshiva in Stamford across from Stamford High. Anyways, I had a long conversation with him about Stamford, etc. and when I went to leave I put out my hand to shake his hand and he politely declined. Does my hand have a disease? What's going on here?
Thanks and hope everything is well! Alexa

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Hi Alexa.

Interesting question. No you don't have a disease! Very observant Jewish men might decline to have contact with women (including their wives) at "that time of the month," because blood is a source of ritual impurity. With their wives, they know when "that time" is - with others they don't, so they tend to refrain from all contact (some will even avoid eye contact). It's also for them a sign of modesty to avoid unnecessary contact between the sexes, and also a desire to restrain sexual urges. That's called "Shomer Negiah." In this Wikipedia article on the topic, you'll find that shaking hands with a member of the opposite sex has become a matter of dispute among Jewish legal scholars.

Negiah applies to women as well as men, by the way. But it usually refers more to kissing and hugging and other visible signs of affection, rather than mere touching.

It seems offensive to many but you shouldn't take it personally. Ritual impurity has nothing to do with hygiene, and much more to do with how people in ancient societies saw blood as a symbol of life and the source of ultimate mystery and awe. That's in part why blood is drained from meat in order for it to be kosher.

I think some of this stems from an anti-female sentiment that existed in ancient and medieval times, not merely for Jews, but many cultures. Fortunately that is changing today. The laws of purity still exist and are practiced widely in traditional communities (and in fact there is a wonderful ritual bath (called a Mikva) that was created by feminists, in Newton, right near you - read about it here) and even less observant women have found new spiritual meaning in these laws.

Meanwhile, if you feel comfortable with this guy, you might want to hear his explanation. I'm sure he's used to getting these questions from students. If he has anything interesting to say, let me know.

You can cite for him this guideline from the career development center of none other than Yeshiva University:

Shaking hands is a customary part of the interview process. Halacha permits non-affectionate contact between men and women when necessary. A quick handshake can be assumed to be business protocol. Since failure to shake hands will most likely have a strong negative effect on the outcome, it is necessary non-affectionate contact, which is permissible.

Most of all, you shouldn't feel that you did anything wrong at all, simply by being friendly!

A very good article on the subject can be found here.

Regards to everyone up there! Keep in touch.

Rabbi H

Ask the Rabbi: Can I Be Agnostic and Still Go to Synagogue?

Another "Ask the Rabbi" question from About.Com. Read it also at http://judaism.about.com/b/2009/08/26/can-agnostics-go-to-synagogue.htm

Q. Rabbi, I am a Jewish teenager and I had my bat mitzvah three years ago. I think I am reaching the age in which I evaluate what I have learned in my life thus far along the lines of morality and spirituality. A personal opinion I have reached thus far is that the world may be better off without organized religion, because maybe it would cause the human race to think deeper and actually reach a belief other than that which has been planted in them their whole life. Despite believing this, I have no regrets in being raised Jewish, because there are many things I did learn that had little to do with religion, but much to do with self-discovery. Aside from this I believe I have reached the conclusion that I am agnostic, perhaps an agnostic theist. I still practice judaism, because I would love to believe, with every fiber of my being that there is a higher power, but I have many questions left to be answered. Though I don't think they can be answered by anything but my own journey through life. It scares me to think of the possibility that there may not be a higher power, but I think if there is G-d and we are judged after our time on Earth, living with compassion towards my fellow man is just as important as how much one may express that they believe in G-d. Is it unusual for me to be reaching these conclusions at such a young age and if I am agnostic, is it odd that I still try to find G-d (go to synagogue)?

A. You bring up some excellent points in your question - and it is very important for you to know that you are headed in just the right direction on your spiritual journey. Your dilemma points out some of the basic differences between Judaism and its monotheistic cousins, Christianity and Islam. Although it is always dangerous to generalize, Judaism is primarily a religion of action, whereas Christianity concentrates on dogma (principles of faith) and Islam on submission to God's will. So in Judaism, while we have many actions that are required, we can believe just about anything we want, whether about God, heaven, or you name it.

That doesn't mean that belief in God is irrelevant, just that all manner of questioning and doubt are encouraged and expected. In fact, the very name "Israel" means to "wrestle with God," as Jacob did when he received that name. I know that I wrestle with concepts of God just about every day of my life. Judaism begins with questions. Think about it, just about the first Jewish passage that a child recites in public is the Four Questions on Passover. And that key role played by the child is at the core of the whole Seder experience.

Did you know that the study of Torah is best done in pairs or groups? That's so that one can always be asking questions, poking holes into the theory of the other. The more questions we ask, the closer to Truth we can get. They say that Jews are always answering a question with another question. Is this true? So what's bad about that? (Oh, I just did it).

As long as we keep asking questions, we'll never take anything for granted and the religion will never stagnate. I agree that organized religion tends to get bogged down in routine and we sometimes lose our way. But people like you will keep Judaism from falling into that trap.
In the main prayer called the Amidah, we address God as "The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob." Many congregations add the matriarchs as well (mine does). So the question is asked, why doesn't it simply say "The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob?" The answer is that each generation of our ancestors experienced God in a different way. The same is true with us. I believe that every generation needs to "re-invent" God. It doesn't mean that God doesn't exist, simply that each individual needs to find its way to "sing unto God a new song" - and you do too.

In the meantime, by all means continue to go to synagogue. Let the prayers inspire you not as the quick roadmap to God, but as the journal of hundreds of generations of people asking tough questions, people just like you. Self discovery has everything to do with religion, and you are well along on this journey. Keep on practicing mitzvot, because they'll help you as guideposts on this journey. Each one performed will bring you one step closer to a life filled with incredible richness and meaning, and the answers to at least some of your questions will become self evident.

Thanks for a terrific question!
Rabbi Joshua Hammerman

Ask the Rabbi: Saying Kaddish following an Abortion

Here's a very difficult question posed to me as part of the About.com "Ask the Rabbi" series.

Ask the Rabbi: Does One Say Kaddish After An Abortion?

Q: Dear Rabbi, I come to you because I have been uncomfortable contacting the rabbis in my life about this. My girlfriend is planning to have an abortion. I have read extensively the halacha and ethical scholarship and I support her. It is not easy for me but I love her and respect her choice. I am wondering if there is something I can do after, particularly does one say kaddish for a period?

Thank you... read more

(FULL TEXT)

A couple days ago a young man contacted me with a difficult question. His girlfriend will soon have an abortion and he wanted to know: should he say kaddish for their unborn child? He requested a Conservative Rabbi's opinion so I forwarded the question to Rabbi Joshua Hammerman, whose answer is below. Both the question and answer are shared with the permission of the young man, so that anyone else going through a situation like this may benefit from the exchange.

As always, please treat "Ask the Rabbi" posts with sensitivity and remember that they involve real people dealing with difficult situations.

Q: Dear Rabbi,I come to you because I have been uncomfortable contacting the rabbis in my life about this. My girlfriend is planning to have an abortion. I have read extensively the halacha and ethical scholarship and I support her. It is not easy for me but I love her and respect her choice. I am wondering if there is something I can do after, particularly does one say kaddish for a period? Thank you.

A: I know this must have been an excruciating decision for you and your girlfriend. While there is undoubtedly much grieving at a time like this, one does not mourn in this case as one would for a person who was born. Just as with a miscarriage, the fetus is not yet considered fully human in halachic terms, which is why, in fact Jewish law would never consider abortion to be murder. Jewish law indeed sees the fetus as a life, but not as a fully developed human life until it is born (or in the process of being born). This, in turn, is why I personally have an issue with those who wish to overturn Roe v. Wade. To impose on us all another religion's vision of when human life begins would dissolve that precious line separating church from state.

This is not to say that it would be wrong to say the Kaddish, if it can help you to deal with this loss. It just is not something you would be obligated to do. In fact I've done memorial events for still births and late-term miscarriages that have been very meaningful for the parents. But there is no official mourning period, no shiva, no yahrzeit, etc.

I've seen some sensitive contemporary prayers to be recited by a parent (typically the mother) following or preceding an abortion or miscarriage, which you may find appropriate. See, for instance, this abortion ritual from Ritual Well and this act of dedication prior to a therapeutic abortion. Also see this miscarriage ceremony.

If you are more kabbalistically inclined, you might want to look at the "Tikkun Klali," the Ten Healing Psalms of Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlav," which are explained here. Psalms are considered to have special healing power, simply because they record the pleas of human beings in distress, helping us to connect at a time of need.

Finally, please note that I do not have enough information to make a recommendation from a Jewish perspective regarding the abortion itself. Suffice to say that while Judaism does not see it as murder, neither does it simply endorse abortion-on-demand. The most glaring generalization one can make is that the health of the mother takes precedence over that of the unborn child. But it is a very complicated question - and one that you are not asking me. Nor am I passing judgment in any sense regarding a situation that is so painful for you both.

My best wishes to you and your girlfriend.

Shalom,
Rabbi Joshua Hammerman