Jewish Joke Night ‘24
What you see here are the jokes I told or had ready to tell at our final (annual) Jewish Joke Night at services on March 1, honoring the month of Adar. One of the jokes not listed here was told by a congregant and was one of the winners - you can hear me recounting this all-timer about 17 minutes into the Kol Nidre Sermon found here, from 2008. It's also a favorite sermon of mine - whose topic is authenticity - so enjoy!
Here are the jokes, beginning with the one judged to be the winner:
The Streudel
Becky and Yossi were married for 75 years when Yossi was on his deathbed. In the back bedroom, Yossi lay, listening to the sounds in the house around him. Soon, he started to smell something delicious coming from the kitchen. It was his favorite chocolate strudel.
His mouth began to water and he smiled, knowing that his beloved wife Becky was making his favorite food for him to enjoy one last time.
It took all his energy to hobble from the bed into the kitchen, where he spied his wife working on the strudel. She stepped away for a moment to the refrigerator to retrieve something and Yossi reached out his hand to touch the delectable treat on the kitchen counter.
Suddenly, he felt a slap on his wrist.
“Yossi!” his wife cried out. “It’s for the shiva.”
At the Golf Course
One sunny afternoon in Florida, Hal and Max were playing golf together. On the ninth hole, they saw a funeral procession driving past them. Mid-swing, Max paused, lowered his club and bowed his head to pray.
“You know what?” Hal remarked. “You’re a good man, Max. A really good man.”
“Well,” Max replied. “What can I say? We were married for 35 years.”
The Three Gifts
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Lexus with a driver" The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Shammos in the shul 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to cln the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearst Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Nothing
During Sabbath services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you o Lord, I am nothing."
The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."
Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."
The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "Look who thinks he's nothing!"
The Crew Team
A yeshiva decides to start a crew team. But no matter how much they practice, they lose every single race. Eventually they decide to send one boy down to the nearby prep school as a spy, to watch their winning crew team and find out what their secret is. After a day of reconnaissance, the boy comes bk. “Listen!” he tells his teammates. “I learned how they do it — they have eight guys rowing, and only one guy screaming!”
In Berlin in the 1930’s, two old Jews are sitting on a park bench reading the newspaper. One is reading a Yiddish paper and the other guy’s reading a German newspaper.
The first guy asks the other guy, “How can you read that Nazi rag?”
The second guy responds, “What are you talking about? When I read the Yiddish paper, it’s all about Jews deported, Jews insulted, Jews assaulted. When I read the German paper, the news is much better! Turns out, we own the banks, we own the media, we control everything!”
The Emperor of China needed a new Chief Samurai. He held tryouts and selected three finalists for the prestigious position.
The first finalist was a samurai from the south. He stepped forward and opened a small box, releasing a fly. The samurai drew his samurai sword, sliced the air, and the fly, split perfectly in two, fell dead to the ground.
The second finalist, a samurai from the north, came forward holding an even smaller box. He opened it and out flew a gnat. The samurai drew his sword, striked, and the gnat, split in two, fell dead to the ground.
The third finalist was Shimmy Yankowitz from Crown Heights, Brooklyn, carrying an old cigar box. Shimmy opened the box and out flew a bumble bee. He took out a very thin sword, striked, and the bumble bee flew away.
The emperor, annoyed, said, “What kind of skill is that? The bee did not die!”
Shimmy replied, “Of course not, sir. The circumcision is not intended to kill.”
Two babies
Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “what are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m getting my tonsils out. I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asked, “What are you in here for?”
The first kid says, “a circumcision.”
The second kid replies, “Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.”
The Train
Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time?”
The older man sighs and explains: “Look, if I tell you the time, we’ll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we’ll get to know each other, and maybe I’ll eventually invite you to my house for Shabbat dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would really get along – why, you might even get engaged! And why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”
The Hospital Visit
An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?”
The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”
The Lottery
This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.
The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"
He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"
"Buy a ticket!"
The Restaurant
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.
The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).
Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.
"Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?"
(Rabbi nods yes)
"Did you see me order this meal?"
(again he nods yes)
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?"
(again he nods yes)
"And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes)
"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!"
The Accident
There was an amazing accident involving a Rabbi and a Priest – in separate cars.
The cars are completely shattered though the Rabbi and the Priest don't even bare a scratch on them
The Priests looks at the rabbi's kippa and says:
"Oh You're a Rabbi"
Then the Rabbi looks at the Priests collar and says:
"Oh You're a Priest"
"Yes" Answered the Priest
"Well look at this both of our cars are shattered to bits, but none of us bare a scratch this must be a sign of G-D that we should be friends"
"Yes this is a sign" exclaimed the Priest
The Rabbi notices in his car that a wine bottle with a Mogen David on it isn't broken"
"Look" The rabbi points to the bottle, he continues "My wine bottle isn't shattered this must be a sign from G-D that we should drink this to commemorate that we are friends"
"Yes this must be a sign" says the priest who takes the bottle from the Rabbi's car and starts to drink until he is half-way done with the bottle then hands it to the rabbi, where the Rabbi takes it and closes the bottle.
"Aren't you going to have a sip Rabbi"
"Nahh..... I think I'll wait for the police"
Rain in Chelm
Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.
“Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”
“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“I didn’t think it would rain!”
The Terrifying Rumor
In a small village in Poland, a terrifying rumor was spreading: A Christian girl had been found murdered.
Fearing retaliation, the Jewish community gathered in the shul to plan whatever defensive actions were possible under the circumstances.
Just as the emergency meeting was being called to order, in ran the president of the synagogue, out of breath and all excited. “Brothers,” he cried out, “I have wonderful news! The murdered girl is Jewish!”
The Census
The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”
Richest Man in Town
At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“That’s why!”
Public Toilets
Bloomberg, on a business trip, found himself using a public toilet. He had just made himself comfortable when he noticed that the toilet paper roll was empty. He called out to the next stall, “Excuse me, friend, but do you have any toilet paper in there?”
“No, I’m afraid there doesn’t seem to be any here, either.”
Bloomberg paused for a moment. “Listen, he said, do you happen to have a newspaper or a magazine with you?”
“Sorry, I don’t.”
Bloomberg paused again, and then said, “How about two fives for a ten?”
Charity
The rabbi was angry about the amount of money his congregants were giving to charity. He prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor.
“And has your prayer been answered?” asked his wife.
“Half of it was,” replied the rabbi. “The poor are willing to accept the money.”
The Million-Dollar Question for God
A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”
The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”
And God replies, “In a second.”
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