Mensch-Mark for Elul 13: Slowness to Anger - Erech Apayim
Let’s resolve to be less angry this coming year - and let the Shabbat candles be our weekly reminder!
About the Mensch•Mark Series
The Talmudic tractate Avot, 6:6 provides a roadmap as to how to live an ethical life. This passage includes 48 middot (measures) through which we can “acquire Torah.” See the full list here. For each of these days of reflection, running from the first of Elul through Yom Kippur, I’m highlighting one of these middot, in order to assist each of us in the process of soul searching (“heshbon ha-nefesh”).
Today’s Middah:
Middah Erech Apayim -Slowness to Anger
URJ’s Take:
Text
"Be not quick to anger, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools!" (Ecclesiastes 7,9)Commentary
Our text comes from the Book of Ecclesiastes, known as Kohelet (preacher) in Hebrew. The authorship of this book of the Hebrew Bible has been traditionally ascribed to King Solomon. It gives us a very clear message about this week's middah, erech apayim. Just as it is necessary to control one's words, it is also important to control one's emotions. A person who loses his or her temper quickly and becomes angry tends to hold onto that anger and is considered a fool! Notice that we are not told that it is wrong to feel angry or to express that anger - only that we must have control over our anger. The Talmud adds to this understanding by suggesting that "if a clever man is angry, his wisdom quits him." (Talmud, Nedarim 22b)In a commentary written about this middah, we read why erech apayim (slowness to anger) is considered one of the 48 virtues.
"Calm, persevering patience is generally a virtue, but especially so for Torah study, for anger causes errors in judgment and leads one to forget one's learning." (The Pirkei Avos Treasury, p.416)
This middah is first mentioned in the Torah as one of the attributes of God:
"Adonai, Adonai! A God compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in kindness and faithfulness, extending kindness to the thousandth generation, forgiving iniquity, transgression, and sin." (Exodus 34:6)
Rabbi Susan Freeman suggests that if we are created in the image of God, and God is slow to anger, then we, too, should strive to be slow to anger. (Teaching Jewish Virtues, Freeman p.86)
In Pirkei Avot, we learn that there are four kinds of temper: there is the person easy to provoke and easy to appease—the loss is cancelled by the gain; hard to provoke and hard to appease—the gain is cancelled by the loss; easy to provoke and hard to appease—that person is wicked; hard to provoke and easy to appease—that person is saintly. (Avot 5,11) Once again, there is an assumption in this passage that everyone loses his or her temper and becomes angry on occasion. It is the degree to which one is able to control one's temper that makes all the difference.
The Torah portino Vayakhel speaks of the prohibited labors of Shabbat- all of them, by rabbinic extension, but one in particular most directly. In Exodus 35:3 it states:
My Take:
לא תבערו אש בכל משבתיכם
"Do not kindle a fire in all your settlements on the Sabbath day." (Exodus 35:3)
This verse is more than just a reminder not to cook or turn the lights on. It is interpreted to include the fire of anger. As Humash Etz Hayyim puts it, "Arguments and angry shouts are as much a disruption of Shabbat as working and spending of money."
Rabbi Abraham Twersky adds, regarding that verse:
Of all the activities that are forbidden on Shabbos that are derived by Talmudic exegesis, the Torah singles out one: "You shall not kindle a flame in all your dwellings" (Exodus 35:3). Rabbi Chaim of Czernovitz (Siduro shel Shabbos) explains that in addition to being a forbidden type of work, making a fire also refers to the flame of rage. Inasmuch as rage is forbidden at any time, the special precaution means that we must make extra effort to avoid anger on Shabbos.
He also spins a midrash regarding the key participants in the Shabbat table ritual, the hallah and the wine.
On Friday night, the challah is covered during kiddush, the prayer testifying to the six days of creation and that Hashem rested on the seventh day. The reason for covering the challah is that according to halachah, the berachah (blessing) for bread takes precedence to the berachah for wine. Inasmuch as the kiddush is recited over wine, the challah is covered to prevent its being humiliated when the berachah for wine is recited first. Obviously, the inanimate challah cannot experience humiliation. The practice of covering the challah is symbolic, to impress upon us how exquisitely sensitive we must be to other people's feelings. This sensitivity should characterize our interpersonal relationships, especially on Shabbos.
During a time of great stress, let Exodus 35:3 be a reminder to all of us to "cool it," not just on Shabbat, but every day. For the mitzvah is to control anger at all times (though sometimes anger can be shown for a positive purpose).
Maimonides wrote in Hilchot Deot 2:3:
Anger is also an exceptionally bad quality. It is fitting and proper that one move away from it and adopt the opposite extreme. He should school himself not to become angry even when it is fitting to be angry. If he should wish to arouse fear in his children and household - or within the community, if he is a communal leader - and wishes to be angry at them to motivate them to return to the proper path, he should present an angry front to them to punish them, but he should be inwardly calm. He should be like one who acts out the part of an angry man in his wrath, but is not himself angry. The early Sages said: Anyone who becomes angry is like one who worships idols. They also said: Whenever one becomes angry, if he is a wise man, his wisdom leaves him; if he is a prophet, his prophecy leaves him. The life of the irate is not true life. Therefore, they have directed that one distance himself from anger and accustom himself not to feel any reaction, even to things which provoke anger. This is the good path.
Joseph Telushkin has this suggestion for those inclined to lose their cool:
A medieval Jewish text known as Reishit Chochmah (The Beginning of Wisdom) suggests a simple technique for those who can't seem to control their anger: "Decide on a sum of money that you will give away if you allow yourself to lose your temper. Be sure that the amount you designate is sufficient to force you to think twice before you lose your temper." Over the next month, every time you express anger that is out of proportion to the incident, make a donation to charity. As Reishit Chochmah notes, the sum has to be enough to inhibit you, and should be over and above the amount of tzedakah you would normally give. (Adapted from The Book of Jewish Values, Rabbi Joseph Telushkin)
So let’s resolve to be less angry this coming year - and let the Shabbat candles be our weekly reminder!
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